Another Modest Proposal

(With apologies to Jonathan Swift)

Humankind has been cursed over the millennia with two major man-made scourges – war and violent crime. From billions of dollars of government-sponsored research, we now know that both these plagues have, as their major causative agent, one relatively simple organic molecule, testosterone. Therefore, in order to cleanse the world of war and violent crime we need only rid the world of testosterone. To accomplish this end is also relatively simple – the world needs only to castrate each and every male the world around. Now there might be a few problems with this approach… but I also have solutions for these issues too:

1) It will be relatively simple to cut the testicles off of every male baby. We can think of it as a kind of super circumcision. We can create an elaborate ceremony around this deballing … maybe calling it a “bris-cut” (with a nod to the Jewish crowd). We might also make all these newly-made eunuchs honorary citizens of France. However, castrating adult males might be a little more difficult … with some fairly serious rebellions resulting. I suggest that this reluctance be defeated with the “salami approach” (excuse the pun). That is, we snip the more unpopular males first -- lawyers, felons, Madison Avenue types, politicians, Canadians, car salesmen, and Bill Gates. Then, little by little, we can expand those males that get neutered to include a larger and larger percentage of adult males until finally the snipers themselves are held down by the snipees and deballed to the cheers of Gloria Steinhem, Jeanne Garofalo and the NOW crowd. I also suggest that Harry Reid be put in administrative charge of this worldwide process since he has obviously already undergone a nut-ectomy.

2) There almost certainly would arise a black market in artificial testosterone. Therefore, it will also be necessary to make all testosterone, in pill or injectable form, a controlled substance with severe penalties for its illegal possession – possibly a public beheading by radical Muslims or PETA. The only population segment who could be written legal prescriptions for testosterone would be female athletes and Hollywood producers.

3) Once all males have been castrated there then arises the obvious (and ominous) dilemma of how we propagate our species. For the first months or so fecund females might be inseminated from the existing frozen sperm banks. However, for the longer run, there will need to be a better solution. Obviously, the cloning of humans might be a neat answer … if this process ever becomes viable and reliable. But to avoid all the possible technical and genetic pitfalls of this resolution, it might be necessary to keep a nominal number of uncastrated males around to provide for species propagation. I suggest that this breeder stock of males (drones) be kept under strict lock and key and milked regularly for their spunk by the likes of Madonna, Monica Lewinski and Elton John. The number of males required for this societal duty might not be that great since each ejaculation produces tens of millions of sperm cells. I suggest that these lucky guys might be selected by voting on American Idol. Perhaps, with frequent milking and careful rationing of results, Barack Obama, George Clooney, Bill Clinton and Donald Trump (my predictions for the voting outcome) might be the only studs required worldwide.

And thence comes the age of Aquarius ... and love will conquer all.

© Copyright, George W. Potts