Mow 'em Down

Stock Photo

The Kecksburg (Pennsylvania) Arrows were bouncing along at the bottom of their Class A league rankings. They had no pitching. Their hitting was sporadic at best; and their coach, “Snuffy” Smith, was pushing every last bit of his meager paycheck up his variegated nose. In fact, if it weren’t for those MacDonald’s Quarter Pounders that the team manager, Harvey Hoople, bought him when they were on the road, Stuffy would have long ago starved to death. Things indeed looked mighty grim for Snuffy's contract renewal.

With ten games left in their miserable season, the Arrows were finishing their last road trip with two games at Memorial Stadium in Front Royal, Virginia against the Front Royal Royals. They had lost the first of these games 22 to 3 and, after a hot, stuffy, air-condition-less night at the Super 8 motel, were taking to the field after going scoreless in the top of the first. Their pitcher for this game was Achmed Mohammed Hussein, a northpaw blackamoor from Brooklyn whose right arm was a full two inches longer than his left. Achmed, having not yet pitched on this circuit, had the only clean uniform on the team. The Arrow’s road colors were heliotrope on damask rose with apricot piping and Achmed, so pristinely attired, caused a ripple of admiring mummers throughout the stadium.

The Royals, also resplendent in their home-colors of royal blue and pale puce with tangerine piping, started off with seven quick hits, six walks, one hit batter, three errors, and a balk. As a consequence they were laughing and joking ... and razzing Achmed mercilessly.  Achmed’s eyes were beginning to water as the Royals were about to bat around for the third time; so, calling time out, he sauntered over to the Arrow's dugout. Reaching into his electric-blue Adidas bag, Achmed grabbed an automatic Uzi with three full banana clips duct-taped together.

With an existential smile, Achmed then proceeded to mow down the whole opposing team (including the coach, equipment manager, and the batboy) in their dugout as methodically as they, up till fifty seconds earlier, had humiliating him. When he finished, Achmed wiped off the Uzi with the team towel and threw it onto the field to the horrified gasps of the 1,835 paying fans. Of course, a jury of his peers was unable to comprehend the concept of reasonable doubt and completely bought the defense argument that Snuffy had earlier commanded the dim-witted Achmed to "mow 'em down"... and therefore Achmed walked.

© Copyright,  George W. Potts