Whoopi’s Big Night

It was Nostalgia Night at the Oscars in the Modern Era year, 2015. Huge laser light shows and movie-studio 3-D holograms lit up the sky over Hollywood causing one jumbo jet to mistake Ventura Boulevard for LAX. This, besides causing untold human offings and other carnage, created white-limo and Maserati constipation all the way back to Malibu. (The headlines in the following day’s papers dealt only with the traffic jam.)

The ceremony itself was being held in the Hollywood Bowl whose breastworks had been augmented and back-lit to look like a bigger-than-life Acropolis. Five huge wind machines also created the wild but unnerving feel of Woodstock before that still-famous rain storm. The emcee, Whoopi Cushion, debuted her resurrection year with in-group bum swabbing and conservative-politico bashing. After all these years on The View, her sucker-punch lines and buddy-butt licks were so well anticipated that the derisive laughter and whoopi-whoops well preceded the ending of her sentences. She was trolloped-out in her trademark dreadnoughts fright-wig and a sequined halter atop Calvin Klein jeans with exposed (and lifted) gluteus maximus ... as was the fashion rage then.

The evenings’ entertainment featured Yooni and John Tush on twin chartreuse pianos, body-oiled and bedecked in harlequin loin cloths ... and to keep with the show’s fossils theme. Maya Angelglue read a poem called Dinosaur Droppings; and Sharon Stonehenge did the bunny hop with Meryl Strep-Throat to the kazoo music from The Boyz ‘n the Hood Meet Frankenstein. There was also a 45 minute film segment devoted to Hollywood's blessed life styles featuring tutorials on barn-yard marriages, hamster hemorrhoid cures, and the best places to buy smack for quality and quantity.

President Hillary Clinton sat frumpy and smirking in the front row flanked by Susan Saranwrap and the lap-dancers from Showgirls VII ...  her Willie having long ago been bundled off to a Sonoma sanitarium to cure his numerous STDs. Sylvester Satonone, Steven Spielmore, and Harvey Cryandtell opened the awards program by reading, in unison, the Screen Actors Guild’s Contract with Chicago, giving each other special Oscars and platinum-plated Bentleys. The Oscar ceremonies concluded 46 hours later with the statuette for “Best Editing of a Music Score of a Politically-Correct Short Subject by a Blond Yenta.” It, of course, went to Barbara Triesandfails.

© Copyright,  George W. Potts   

A PC Christmas

“T’was the night before Christmas ...” The NAACP has complained to the Civil Rights Commission arguing that this line should be updated to read “T’was the night before Kwanzaa ...”

“Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.” The Friends of Animals takes umbrage at the term “creature” and is insisting that it be changed to “lovable, furry thing that should not be trapped.”

“The stockings were hung by the chimney with care” The Cross-Dressers of America want it noted here that this means taupe silk hose with oh-so-cute lacy stuff around the top ... and that only Woolite should be used to wash such dainties.

“The children were nestled all snug in their beds” The North American Man-Boy Love Association wants this changed to “nestled all snug in our beds”.

“... while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads” Michelle Obama has insisted that this phrase be changed to “thoughts of low-fat Greek yogurt” and is threatening to go on The View if she is ignored.

“Mama in her kerchief and I in my cap” The Queer Nation is objecting to the use of such stereotypical male/female bonding units as representing an idealized family.

“The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow” Yoko Ono insists that such sexists comments show that we still live in a male-dominated, piggish society. She wants this word changed to “chest.”
“As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.” The Environmental Protection Agency has issued a complaint stating that leaves left unraked into the winter represents a violation of Sections 125.92: J and 9734.2: D-G of the Omnibus Environmental Protection Law of 1993.

“... with a little old driver” AARP has sought an immediate court injunction to estop such pejorative comments about senior citizens.

“... jolly old elf and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself” The Little People’s Society has also insisted that the term “elf” and its associated derision be immediately expunged from this narrative.

“On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen” The ASPCA has issued a formal complaint against St. Nicholas, citing his verbal and physical abuse of these eight tiny reindeer.

“He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot ...” The Animal Liberation Front has threatened to throw cow’s blood on anyone who dares to dress up in such insensitive costumes.

“... little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly” The Surgeon General has demanded that a printed warning be put on this page saying that being obese to this degree could be hazardous to your health.

“The smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath” Henry Waxman, a congressman from California, has threatened to hold hearings unless this line is stricken in its entirety.

“He filled all the stockings and turned with a jerk” Steve Martin has gone to court suing for 10% royalties for the use of the term “jerk”.

“... up the chimney he rose” The Trial Lawyers of America has stated that forcing Santa Claus to enter and exit a premises via the fireplace is demeaning and likely to cause bodily harm. They are assembling a massive class action suit against all those parents who allowed Santa to visit in this manner.

“He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle” The AFL/CIO is demanding to know if St. Nick is a member of their North Pole Teamsters’ local. If he can’t produce proof that he is, they are going to picket New Years.

“Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!” The National Education Association has objected that this line, and all the rest of this story ... saying that they contain words that are spelled correctly. This is obviously intended to stifle the creativity of our children.

© Copyright, George W. Potts